Funny and so true!
***Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.
***The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
***Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren’t getting any.
***Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
***Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.
***Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.
***Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
***If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
*** Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
***Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
***If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
***Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad Judgment.
***Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
***When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From thereon in, life gets worse.
***The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Of course these don’t belong to me, but I wanted to share 
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This entry is from the old site. If you see it under “From old site” category you know why. 
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I always liked this one: “When in doubt, tell the truth.”
I’ve liked this one for as long as I can remember
“If you can keep you head when all about you are losing theirs… you’re missing something IMPORTANT!!!”
Cool
You’re welcome.. and just in case the literary reference is missed by people it is a take on a line for a very famous poem by Rudyard Kipling (yes the jungle book man
)
If…
Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And - which is more - you’ll be a Man my son!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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